Understanding Attachment Styles and How to Build a Secure Relationship
- Kezzia
- Apr 4
- 3 min read
Discover different attachment styles and how to develop healthy ones
As a Black female psychotherapist with a private practice in New York, I’ve worked with countless women who struggle with relationship patterns rooted in their attachment styles. Understanding how attachment influences our relationships is the first step toward healing and developing healthier, more secure bonds. Whether you’re navigating dating, friendships, or long-term partnerships, recognizing your attachment style and working towards security can transform the way you connect with others.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment theory, originally developed by psychologist John Bowlby, explains how our early relationships with caregivers shape the way we relate to others in adulthood. There are four primary attachment styles:
Secure Attachment – Individuals with this style feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They trust their partners and maintain healthy boundaries.
Anxious Attachment – Those with this style often fear abandonment, crave closeness, and may struggle with self-worth in relationships.
Avoidant Attachment – People with avoidant attachment value independence to the point of emotional detachment. They may struggle to express vulnerability and avoid deep emotional connections.
Disorganized Attachment – This attachment style is a mix of both anxious and avoidant traits, often stemming from unresolved trauma or inconsistent caregiving. Individuals may crave closeness but fear being hurt.
The Role of EMDR Psychotherapy in Healing Attachment Wounds
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) psychotherapy is a powerful tool for healing deep-seated attachment wounds. Many women I work with in my New York-based private practice have experienced childhood trauma, emotionally unavailable parents, or toxic relationships that reinforce insecure attachment patterns. EMDR psychotherapy helps reprocess painful memories, allowing clients to release old narratives and build new, healthier relational patterns.
If you’ve experienced betrayal, abandonment, or past trauma, EMDR can help you overcome relationship challenges and develop a sense of safety within yourself.
How to Build a Secure Attachment
Even if you identify with an insecure attachment style, you are not stuck there. Here are some steps to move toward secure attachment in your relationships:
1. Increase Self-Awareness
Start by reflecting on your relational patterns. Do you fear intimacy? Do you struggle with setting boundaries? Acknowledging these patterns is the first step toward change.
2. Engage in Relationship Coaching
Relationship coaching can provide the guidance and tools necessary to navigate romantic and platonic relationships with confidence. As a psychotherapist specializing in relationship coaching, I help Black women recognize unhealthy dynamics and build strategies for deeper, more fulfilling connections.
3. Heal Past Trauma
If unresolved trauma is fueling your attachment style, therapy—especially EMDR psychotherapy—can help you process painful experiences and create a new narrative that fosters self-trust and security.
4. Practice Secure Behaviors
Even if security doesn’t come naturally, practicing secure attachment behaviors can help you rewire your responses. This includes expressing needs directly, setting boundaries, and leaning into vulnerability with trusted individuals.
5. Choose Emotionally Available Partners
Surround yourself with people who exhibit secure attachment traits. If you are dating, look for partners who communicate openly, respect boundaries, and offer consistent emotional support.
6. Cultivate Self-Compassion
Healing is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourself as you unlearn old habits and embrace new, healthier ways of connecting.
Final Thoughts
Attachment styles shape the way we experience love, but they do not define our future. With self-awareness, relationship coaching, and trauma healing through EMDR psychotherapy, you can shift toward a more secure attachment and build relationships that feel safe, supportive, and fulfilling. If you’re ready to do the work, seek support from a therapist or coach who understands your unique experiences as a Black woman navigating relationships and healing.
If you’re looking for guidance on your healing journey, my New York-based private practice offers therapy and coaching to help you create the healthy, loving relationships you deserve.
About the author: Kezzia Quintyne-Hilaire is a black female trauma therapist and author of My Self-Love Journal. She uses her expertise in trauma-healing techniques to deliver tailored therapy to enhance the lives of women in New York City. As a woman of color, she is dedicated to offering culturally appropriate therapy and ensuring a safe and inclusive environment for women to embark on their healing journey.
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